think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
