her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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