so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
