I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
