My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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