just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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