I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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