the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
