Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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