Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
