How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
