I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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