Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
