Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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