Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
