Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
