I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
