There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im six kinds of drunk right now
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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