is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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