There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
