My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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