I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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