He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
