Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
