He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
