i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
