I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
