Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
