you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize