What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
