Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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