Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
