dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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