Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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