Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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