You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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