Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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