apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize