I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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