I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize