Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
