I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
