NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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