everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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