Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize