You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
