I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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