if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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