Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you win again, gameday.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Randomize
