Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
