I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
