sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
