That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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