god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
