we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
