i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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