I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
