just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
