Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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