that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I can text with my tongue
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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