please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
