you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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