Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
