last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
