the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
